I guess it's about time I wrote a few words here, to keep things slightly up-to-date.
I've been wondering recently why I actually write this blog. Do I even want someone to actually read it? Or is it just a place for me to write down my thoughts so I can see them at a later date and reflect upon them. If that's the case, then why have I choosen such a public place, to make my feelings & thoughts known? In any case, that is not something I have a clear answer for at the moment.
Recently I have been feeling tired. Not just physicaly, but mentaly. A feeling, reaching down under my skin, into my very bones.
It's my mind, desperatly trying to hold everything together and straining under the pressure of my feelings. I feel like I've been streched to my limits and am somehow existing beyond them. Almost as if I'm loosing my grip on the world around me. I've been trying to use my mind to control my emotions, desires & thoughts for so long, that nothing inside my soul seems to work normaly anymore.
Why am I here? How is it that no matter how hard I try, I always end up being the one who is left on his own at the end?
It feels almost as if there is nothing left inside me. I know I will wake up in a few hours, but why? To go on for another day?
Am I really 'here' for anyone, or do I just happen to exist, in the same way that a rock does somewhere in space. Not for a reason, but just because it happens to be there...
It is my birthday in a few days. My birthday.... I will have been here for 26 years.
A flood of memories, some good, some bad.
But one thing is constant............. *alone* - always alone.
I wish I could find someway to explain it, or at least to understand it. Instead I'm stuck here, trying to survive by covering my pain with anger & rage.
I did not want this, I still don't - but I wonder, even if I was now given the chance to love & be loved, would I be able to do it?
I fear this might be the start of another fall... they are becoming too frequent.
Never before have I had this many in such a short period...
It must be that I have no-one but myself to blame, but I have to find out / undestand what it is that I'm doing to cause this.